4/17/2024
While rereading a very helpful, profound reminder post this morning, the followingâscreenshots of excerpts within the đïž post (that I added a link to the Mother Goddess post)âinstantly reminded me of THE BIGGER picture for this entire post:
Also, screenshot 3 of 4 above perfectly matches Carl Jungâs quote poster above.
4/10/2024
Screenshots of related highlights from video, âTHEY KNEW: Jesus Christ’s TRUE Teachings Found in Lost Texts! It’s NOT What You THINK | Billy Carsonâ:
This one is tough to unconditionally forgiveâbecause of the extreme version of TORTUREâbut I accept that itâs already been done in the past, though I donât agree at all that it was necessary (plus, many Souls have more than likely played various roles throughout lifetimes, to include the angelic, good, bad, evil, and everything in-between; I know I have been the âbad guyâ at least twice, though I donât recall any dreams of torturing others):
Accepting (but not agreeing) with a well-known, common habit of many Catholics, that Iâve even learned from personal experiences (example in this post: apologizing over and over again, or NOT, but unwilling to truly change for the better):
3/22/2024
Yesterday, after my husband and I briefly dropped off their marriage paperwork, I looked into the elderly ladyâs glassy eyesâthat seemed to silently communicate an apologyâand I was able to see her in a new light.
I deeply felt unconditional forgiveness for her, as well as unconditional love (which cannot be rushed or forced via the reasoning mind).
Granted, I choose to continue standing by my decision to no longer focus my energy, time, and efforts towards whoever and whatever habitually FEELS HEAVY and DRAINING, regardless of their earthly labels (to include the elderly).
And this afternoon, though the remnants of past, fear-based energies briefly resurfaced, after pondering yesterdayâs brief, yet deeply heartfelt moments of now, I had a realization.
And this perfectly matches the recent âFire đ„ & Flames â€ïžâđ„ Synchronicityâ post, as well as the related writings on the candle đŻïž photo that this elderly lady recently texted me (which is further below).
In order to deeply experience something, such as a true, Twin Flame sacred reunionâespecially in the outer, physical world, after recognition in the inner, spiritual worldâone must first experience its CONTRAST/OPPOSITE/DUALITY/POLARITY.
Because experiencing both extreme âoppositesâ of COLD đ„¶ and HOT đ„”, helps us to deeply appreciate WARM đ„°đ« .Â
Having experienced an abundance of âDARKNESSâ in life, helps us to deeply appreciate the LIGHT.
And having experienced much fear-based energies, helps us to deeply appreciate Unconditional/True Love (for the self/Self/interconnected Life within this world and way beyond).
Update
3/21/2024
This morning, out of curiosity, I was drawn to a few articles about the signs of someone playing mind games; and I sensed it would gift me further clarity.
One of the SPOT ON quotes from one of these readings: âThe bottom lineâŠIf something doesnât feel right, it probably isnât.â
In this post, I had mentioned wondering if the elderly woman, family friend was playing mind games, that includes manipulation, control, guilt-tripping, gaslighting, and stonewalling.
And according to these articles, she was, checking off practically every bullet point.
Reflecting on past and recent experiences that match the list of red flags đ©:
Before her mini wedding day, she complained that she was so nervous and stressed out because she never had to do everything herself.
When I asked for details, she avoided replying an explanation; and my husband and I later realized the truthâthat everyone around her did practically everything, not her:
- My husband was the Officiantâdue to her request (though I declined for various reasons)âwho organized everything, plus paid for the online fee without telling her. He also provided free video recordings with his drone on top of Secret Slick Rock in Sedona, and he carried all the heavy equipment, plus a small, foldable round table uphill during the hike. He also took photos the entire time. We will also be dropping off their marriage paperwork to a court outside of Sedona so they donât have to drive long distance.
- My husbandâs coworker provided free flower arrangements for this elderly ladyâs hair, bouquet, and a large vase full of flowers to set on the round table with lit candles (though the sudden, intense weather didnât allow that).
- I did her makeup and hair since I was informed that nothing else had to be done. It was a very simple wedding ceremony of just seven people on top of Secret Slick Rock within nature; hence, there were no chairs or other material items that had to be set up.
- Four adults, to include my husband and I, volunteered to carry everything during the hike (both ways) so that the elderly couple wouldnât have to.
So I suppose the elderly family friend had to call the restaurant to make a reservation, as well as write out a very long, multiple page speech for my husband to read out loud at the ceremony (that no one forced her to write at that length, the LONGEST Iâve ever heard about).
She initially asked us to pick a restaurant, but we replied that it would be best that they choose where theyâd prefer to eat at since itâs their special day.
The last thing we needed was for us to pick a restaurant that she didnât like, and hear about it later.
So even though she saved a lot of money by four adult friends doing everything for her, she still complained.
In Sedona, drone video service, professional photography, hair salon, and makeup service alone can cost a total of at least $1,000 easily.
But yet, even though she offered to treat everyone to dinner at the Hilton, her non-verbal cues made it apparent that she wasnât happy about it.
So while the other couple was ordering $40-$50 meals, I noticed her fear-based facial expressions, so I ordered the least expensive $28 meal of fancy mac-n-cheese (that wasnât worth even a quarter of that cost đŹ).
Plus, I strongly sensed that our elderly man friend was paying (and he did), so I didnât want him to end up with a big bill.
Granted, most older to elderly residents of Sedona home communities do financially well; and she even has a timeshare in a nice location, and they often travel.
So I donât think theyâre struggling when it comes to money; theyâre just very frugal.
Ever since weâve known them, both of the elderly couple has shown signs of poverty consciousnessâdue to various factors (to include their generational influence)âso we mostly paid for meals during our restaurant gatherings, in order to make them feel comfortable.
We also made them home-cooked meals, and bought them food from restaurants at times, in order to share various forms of love that they didnât receive from their family members at times.
But I have noticed that perhaps we had spoiled her, because now it seems to be expected.
This included her wanting us to pick a restaurant for their wedding day, possibly with hopes that we would pick up the check as usual (just popped into my awareness).
However, even at the beginning of organizing details for their wedding, there were red flags đ©.
I sent her detailed text messages of whatever information she requested, only for her to reply to them as if she didnât even fully read the messages (which I brought up to her).
So when she asked us if we could talk over the details via a phone call again, my husband absolutely refused.
Because he, too, became exhausted over the years from her habitual: neediness, excessive whining, complaints, manipulation, guilt-trips, pessimism, âmisunderstandingâ what we said, completely ignoring and not replying to text messages at times if things donât go her way, etc..
When she kept insisting, even stating in a distantly expressed text message that she wanted my husband to call her, and not me, I sent her an assertive and firm text reply.
I basically informed her that we prefer working out the details via text messages or emails so that: 1) we can minimize further misunderstandings, especially for an important event, 2) the details can be on record, and 3) so no one ends up saying, âBut I thought you said _____â on the day of the wedding; and she finally let it go.
I showed my husband how we need to have extra, strong boundaries with someone like her, and CONFIDENTLY SPEAK UP.
Because itâs not just her, but her well-known, vibrational frequency signatureâwith often selfish to sometimes narcissistic tendenciesâWILL take control and/or take advantage IF we allow it.Â
One day, my husband and I picked up her partner (now husband) from the hospital, after his minor heart surgery, and brought him to their home.
Instead of asking the details of how he was doing, she went off on her usual self-centered, one-way, extended conversation about all the information of the paintings and other artwork that her father passed down to her during her family gathering trip.
I (unapologetically) lied this day, and told her that the nurse strongly recommended that he get plenty of peaceful rest, to include much solitude time (so that he gets a break from her, since he enjoys reading, and she has complained about this before).
He already sleeps very late (around 1 -2 am), and then wakes up before noon, probably to get a break from her, since sheâs an early riser; my husband and I donât blame him AT ALL.
We were hoping that he meet someone who treats him better, but heâs a grown man, so itâs his free-will choice.
Plus, weâve noticed that heâs been gradually having healthier boundaries with her, and even being more assertive this year, so thatâs great progress.
At times, she has hinted, and even openly talked, how much material abundance she has from whatever was passed down to her.
However, that hasnât impressed me at all, due to how she often showed up in a very contracting way.
Quite frankly, I donât give a ratâs ass how much abundance, riches, or wealth people haveâmillionaires, billionaires, and even trillionairesâif people lack heart and character, then no amount of material stuff can make up for that.
Like Sadhguru taught, habitually trying to squeeze something out of othersâwhether itâs their attention, time, energy, love, efforts, material stuff, gifts, etc.âis not a healthy and harmonious relationship.
Practically every time weâve met at a restaurant for a gathering, theyâve always showed up late.
This can happen for any of us; however COMMA if it happens habitually, then itâs a disrespect of othersâ time.
The most recent restaurant gathering, before the wedding, is the last one for sure.
We drove across town since they preferred a restaurant close to their home.
But yet, even though they only live a few minutes away, they were still late; and she looked like she could care less, though he looked uncomfortable.
At least our elderly male friend apologized when he showed up late when it was just himself at our home dinners before and during the holidays (while she was far away visiting her family, and he volunteered to stay with their dog at home).
But I donât recall her ever apologizing, probably because she isnât sorry for wasting anyoneâs time; hence, her habitual, mostly one-way conversations of 3 plus hours (IF you allow this).
Like my husband calmly said for the first time in years of knowing themâshe just likes to hear herself talk.
I realized this is true, thereâs a difference between just yapping away like thereâs no tomorrow, and genuinely connecting with others at the heart and Soul level, Being fully present, actively listening, as well as talking to one another and sharing.
The last time we brought them a home-cooked meal and groceriesâbecause our elderly male friend returned from the hospital after a minor heart surgeryâshe actually offered to one day make us some curry.
This was a great surprise since sheâs not exactly known to be thoughtful and giving, let alone generous.
It hasnât happened yet, but weâre definitely not holding our breath either.
Plus, when she first asked us our preference when it comes to meat, I actually thought she cared what we liked.
But after she suggested lambâand I shared why I havenât eaten lamb or veal in a while (stories below)âshe still tried to convince me that lamb tastes much better.
I initially agreed while informing her that she can cook whatever she prefers; but after realizing what happened (manipulation), I wonât be eating her meal, though I enjoy different types of curry.
Why I Chose Not to Eat Veal & Lamb:
I occasionally eat meat, but I havenât ate lamb in a while, and veal in over two decades.
Because I had seen a video a while back, where a mother cow and her calf were peacefully eating in the meadow together.
A truck full of menâloaded with small, square cages full of calvesâapproached the mother and baby cow, forced the calf into the cage, and then took off.
The heartbreaking part was when the mother cow started chasing the truck to the best of her ability; so even cows have feelings, though theyâre known to not care.
Regarding the lamb, the horrible scene from the movie, Noahâwhere men rip apart a live lambâwas disturbing enough.
While driving in Sedona, I noticed a vehicle in front of us with a license plate that included NOAH.
And this reminded me of a vivid dream I had a while ago, where I was within what appeared to be a huge arc, surrounded by many people within deep water.
I trust that I was meant to notice this particular series of synchronicity, the way I did many (practically daily) for 13 years.
I understand itâs just a movie, but when animals are mistreated, itâs pretty much the same thing.
This is why my husband and I have been doing our best to only purchase meats where animals are raised and butchered in a humane way (though it is more challenging to find at most restaurants throughout this world).
The good news is, thereâs even a growing number of restaurants that incorporate organic fruits and vegetables into their menus; I read this morning that many toxins from pesticides were found in many nonorganic foods.
Perhaps she will one day realize and deeply appreciate those who went above and beyond to be great friends (and that these friends realized they are worthy of much better quality friends).
Like I said before, itâs not about 50/50, but at the same time, loving, supportive, healthy, and harmonious relationships are reciprocal in nature, not meant to be a mostly one-way street (just like it takes two hands to clap).
I will miss our elderly male friend, who even expressed his deep appreciation for our friendship yesterday, after dinner, in a sincere and heartfelt manner.
But they are a package deal, so I wish for them to make other friends within their community, though I strongly sensed that there was a good reason why no one from their community was at the wedding.
From my personal experiences of over 40 years, true friends who go above and beyond are extremely RARE.
And though Iâve only had about a dozen of themâbetween 8th grade to mid-thirtiesâI will cherish them within my heart forever.
Plus, as I further develop more respect and unconditional love for myself, I trust that my outer world relationships will eventually mirrorđȘthese major transformations đđȘČđđŠ from within, in Divine perfect timing and order.
Update
3/20/24
I was reminded yesterday, that FEELING unconditional forgiveness for another, can suddenly happen from our hearts while weâre enjoying the present moments of now.
And this is completely different from conditional forgiveness from the logical mind.
While I was meticulously doing this elderly family friendâs makeup and hair for her mini wedding ceremony, I was reminded of her lovely qualities.
And I felt grateful that she seemed very happy with how she looked, and for the opportunity to help her feel uplifted about her new celebration.
During the moments, all of her ânegative,â major, pain in the ass aspects seemed to melt away đ« .
Granted, it didnât take too long before these âunpleasantâ aspects emerged from the pitch black abyss, shouting, âWeâre BACK BITCHES!!! đčđđ§đŒââïžđ§đœđ§ââïžđ§ââïžđ€Șâ đ
And this includes todayâs text replyâthe exact reason I even created this post (seemingly contradicting âconsiderateâ words)âwhich I just gave a đđŒ reply, something I normally donât do (screenshot below):
Although I had doubted myself in the âLater same dayâ first update to this postâwondering if I was the problemâit was even revealed yesterday that her being âCONSIDERATEâ truly is LIP SERVICE.
Though everyoneâespecially a little girl and this elderly womanâs pet dogâwere freezing đ„¶ our asses off, we still had to stand through multiple, long pages of her religious wedding speech that she wrote herself, and wanted my husband to read, even before her vows and the prayers.
Afterwards, she expressed the similar words of how she was considerate of others, and wouldâve called off the ceremony had it been pouring rain (as well as super windy and freezing cold).
I still intend to keep the promise I made to myselfâshared in the previous update of no longer having habitually: unhealthy, questionable, and more draining (than not) relationships in my life.
The following is part of my journal this morning, that includes a colon cancer synchronicity that I also experienced (that someone I know may have, weâll see):
I slept in this morning for about 11 hours, since I felt drained yesterday, due to it being very stressful for about half the day.
In a nutshell, everything was fine, but the actual wedding ceremony for [ _____ the elderly lady of this post] and _____ [her partner turned husband] on top of Secret Slick Rock area was super windy and intensely cold đ„¶ all of a sudden, though the weather app showed 4 mph wind and NOT cold shortly before that.
All of usâ[another couple and their tween daughter as well]âshared that we couldnât feel our toes, ears and fingers; and we were all shivering uncontrollably.
He [the over 80 year old elderly family friend] managed to convince her for him to wear his cardiganâsince he gets cold very easilyâalthough her non-verbal cues obviously revealed that she was not pleased since sheâs more concerned with outer appearances.
But as I shared with my soon to be ex-husband/friend only, love is preferring that a loved one is warm, rather than being concerned about photos.
Even their pet dog kept attempting to head back to our vehicles; so at one point, she finally took my offer to hold her, and wrap my jacket around her, which I later noticed kept us both warm.
I had a strong feeling that the sudden and drastic change in weather, was a reflection that this wedding was not in alignment with Spirit.
Because even before the wedding ceremony, she kept nagging at him, being controlling as usual.
I further learned to embrace her as is, though that doesnât mean that I need to spend more focus, energy, time, and efforts on her.
After we go to court tomorrowâto drop off their wedding paperwork and our last set of divorce paperworkâwe will return her curling irons tomorrow (used to do her hair), and then we donât intend to see her again hardly ever.Â
We can wish others the best from a distance, especially if the truth is that we donât truly prefer to spend time with them, though we can tolerate them.
Itâs like, we can go to a mediocre restaurant and eat decent or edible food; but do we prefer to return there over and over again?
However most, or even all, people probably prefer amazing restaurants that serve mouthwatering, delicious food, that we look forward to returning to next time.
Iâm reminded that we experience in Life obvious blessings or blessings in disguise, but we can also live and enjoy our life via our preferences.
I even deeply appreciate a recent series of Divine Synchronicity (post title/link below photo), which the following photo further confirmed (that this elderly family friend shared this morning, that includes half of the wedding gifts we gave them yesterday):
Post, âSynchronicity of Being on Fire â€ïžâđ„: Dream of Dog on Fire vs Dream of God Enki đ„, Fire & Flames đ„ Signs at Madonna Concert đ¶, Movie Damsel đžđ»đČ & The Return of Authentic Twinđ„â
Update
3/18/2024
A profoundly wise, gracious, and eloquent, elderly lady named Mary M.âwill reveal her last name in the near futureâhas been inspiring the past couple of months for my husband and I.
She is the polar opposite (a great contrast) of the elderly lady, family friend I shared stories about within this post.
And tonight, after watching one of Maryâs videos regarding Prosperity Consciousnessâespecially about an ancient story and analogy she sharedâI realized that I donât need to feel any degree of guilt for completely letting go of anything and anyone that has habitually (keyword) FELT HEAVY.
The family friend, elderly lady has been tolerated thus far because my husband had initially attracted her into his life as a client.
And because she needed various types of help throughout the yearsâand because she was an elderly ladyâwe eventually befriended her and her partner.
Granted, he turned out to be a very authentic, honest, kind, thoughtful, and pleasant friend; hence, we hoped heâd meet someone who treated him much better, even if heâs an elderly man (itâs never too late).
But the truth is, she has revealed a pattern of being the type of person who takes and takes and takesâfocus, energy, time, efforts, favors, etc.âand will continue to do so, as long as others allow this to continue.
Most interactionsâin person, text, email, and phoneâto include todayâs phone conversation, has often revolved around a âpoor meâ attitude and drama.
One could share with another a million, expanded perspectives, and helpful solutions, for ways to develop a positive outlook, but if the other person has little to no desire to help oneself, NO amount of assistance will ever be sufficeâŠPERIOD.
Her continual concerns, anxieties, worries, and control issuesâdespite her claims of having faith in God as a Catholicâhas increasingly become very draining over the years.
So therefore, after this upcoming, mini wedding that she requested for us to participate in, weâve decided to have much healthier and stronger boundaries with her, maintain our distance, and quickly cut ties.
We prefer to release her from our lives in a gentle and gradual manner, though I wonât have a problem being straightforward if needed, especially if exposed to further manipulation and efforts to instill guilt (if not doing what she wants others to do).
I wish herâand similar, chronic, fear-based energiesâwellâŠfrom a far and healthy distance.
My upcoming, brand NEW life, will NO LONGER include unhealthy relationships (that starts with fully releasing any unhealthy aspects of self, back to Source, for TRANSMUTATION đđŠ).
Saw đïžđ 72 right after adding the above update of insights (that Iâve often seen for years, along with many other # sequences within daily number synchronicity):
UpdateÂ
Later same day (of publishing post)
I realized that the main theme of the recent situation that I shared belowâthat also applies to the decades long family member relationshipâwas about the keywords:
CONSIDERATE vs INCONSIDERATE
And ultimately, I was INCONSIDERATE of my own inner truths (especially true feelings and needs)âof having sensed the red flag comment, and not sure I wanted to goâby trying to be more CONSIDERATE of anotherâs sudden needs.
Why? Because society had deeply ingrained humans to only be CONSIDERATE of others, though itâs okay to cause inconvenience (and/or hurt) to the self (which is one-sided, and not true).
Why is it okay for another to not care whether or not they habitually inconvenience othersâto include often dominating group conversations and getting what they wantâbut itâs not okay for the Self (Spirit/Soul Self)/self (physical self) to look out for oneself?
Iâm reminded that by saying âyesâ when we really want to say âno thank you,â weâre NOT being authentic/true to ourselves.
And the only reason I didnât feel like saying a solid yes at the time (though I did), is because of the added statement that FELT very manipulative and questionable (i.e., the guise of saying that one was being considerate, when that wasnât the case).
By further exploring another perspective, I just realized that she was actually being authentic, by asking a transparently honest questionâof what she truly needed and wantedâeven though it could come off as inconsiderate according to society.
And I was being more of the society-conditioned ego, who expected her to be considerate of my feelings, since I was going through a divorce.
But the truth is, when she had asked, I couldâve simply shared my perception at the time, which wouldâve given her the opportunity to explain herself, which in turn, may have transformed both of our conditioned perceptions, by shifting to expanded perspectives.
Plus, I further realized that this can help all parties involved, to be even more love-based honest, and tactfully straightforward, rather than suppress what we truly think and feel, which can lead to passive and/or passive-aggressive communication styles.
Iâm grateful Iâm now able to see various perceptions and perspectives, which are ALL VALID.
So now the question is, do I still want to bring this up to a family friend, to resolve a possible misunderstanding?
Or, will bringing it up make her uncomfortable, and cause her stress before her upcoming, mini wedding?
Therefore, I can simply choose to unconditionally embrace what Iâve learned so far, and move onâonly attending if I truly feel like.
Plus, if Iâm still curious, I can bring it up sometime after the wedding.
And after typing these insights, Iâd actually feel honored to be a witness for them at their upcoming, mini wedding.
From a limited, human perspective, it can appear that I have wasted a lot of focus, time, energy, and efforts with this and MANY other extensive posts within this blog.
However, Iâve grown to trust in the process of expanding my individual and Collective Consciousness, that instantly and automatically has an effect on interconnected Life (like Entanglement of Quantum Physics).
This highly underrated, inner work often takes lifetimes, so itâs immensely invaluable and without a price tag.
đ€đ€â€ïžđ§Ąđđđ©”đđâ€ïžđ©¶đ©·đ€
The title of this post was initially, âRight Words, Nice Tone, Smiles & Laughter NOT Matching Action,â when I started journaling; however, as the picture became larger, I changed it accordingly.
Once in a blue moon, Iâll have an experience that causes mixed thoughts and feelings.
And it will leave a vague and not so pleasant, residue feeling that Iâll tune into at times, like a recurring, sporadic, back discomfort.
Since I prefer CLARITY and PEACE, I decided to be fully present with this subtle, inner conflict.
Since I often find analogies and examples helpful, I was able to tune into one this morning, to help me to better understand myself and another.
EXAMPLE Scenario:
Friend A calls Friend B and says in a sweet tone:
âHi, I donât mean to bother you at 3:00 am; I didnât wake you up, did I?
Itâs just that something wonderful came up, and I wanted to share it with you and ask you for your support.
Itâs not urgent, but itâs such a special event, and it would mean the world to us if you could join us.
And by the way, I just want you to know, that before calling you about this matter, Iâve been CONSIDERATE of you recently informing me that you werenât able to get much sleep for days.â
Friend B, whoâs been learning about Unconditional self-loveâthatâs not just for others, and includes healthy boundariesâwould usually reply something to the effect of:
- âYes, you did wake up me, and I would like to be transparently honest with you because I still consider you a friend.
- If somethingâs NOT urgent, or an emergency, thereâs absolutely no reason to call anyone at 3 am, especially if weâre in the same time zone (reverse the roles, and imagine how you would feel if that was done to you)
- You were clearly aware that Iâve been experiencing sleep deprivation, so there was a high probability that I would be very tired if you woke me up at 3 am
- If you were sincerely being considerate, your action wouldâve reflected your intention; hence, you would not have even called me at 3 am, to ask for a non-urgent favor, that can wait at a time thatâs not inconvenient
So why didnât Friend B express what she would usually say?
Because Friend A is:
- Overall a genuinely kind person at times, rather than just nice on the outer surface
- a family friend (husbandâs former client)
- an elderly woman (remnants of Korean culture influence of never questioning older family members and elders, never disrespecting them, and/or never making them uncomfortable in some way, which doesnât always apply, especially to foreigners)
- someone who already has family problems that bring her down
The Actual Situation:
Going through a divorce is a major change for most and many people, thatâs often very challenging on all energetic levelsâmental, emotional, physical, and spiritualâespecially if one has been married for a long time (like almost 18 years or much longer).
This is common knowledge, and is also known to be sensitive times.
So, reversing the rolesâŠ
If I hadnât been married for yearsâbut simply lived with a partnerâit would be no hurry to get married.
If I was informed by a friend that she was going through a divorce, but suddenly felt a strong need and desire to get married again soon after she told me, I would prefer to wait at least one more month, after her divorce finalized, before asking her to support me (since itâs not just about me)
If I just couldnât wait another month to get married again (second marriage), I would honestly ask for her support, but NOT under the GUISE of being CONSIDERATE of what sheâs going through, and being âthoughtfulâ of her feelings (because thatâs like a slap in the face that comes with a sweet smile and apology)
I realized the conflict was caused by the confusion, âIs this person a true friend?â (that a part of me wants to believe that weâve grown to become)âŠ
OR, âIs she playing mind games, trying to be indirectly hurtful?â (like someone else I wondered about in the past?).
I had similar experiences within three decades ago by one other person.
And the following were common denominators with this situation (a PATTERN to ponder):
- This person was also an older woman
- She, too, would overall be genuinely kind at times, while also being outwardly nice at times (which can be confusing)âsaying the ârightâ words with smiles, chuckles, and a sweet tone that felt off and eerie (I once thought, for the first time, that it felt like it was borderline âevil,â though I had never thought of anyone in that light; and that I would prefer a straightforward aggressive person like my mother, over someone who was passive-aggressive)
- She, too, would say and do subtly mean things (at times), and would often follow it up with, âForgive me.â Iâve often been quick to forgive since childhood (and throughout adulthood), but she would sometimes say and do the same things over and over again, and then ask for forgiveness again, as though she had no true intention to actually change her negative ways (but it was a habit to do this, reason below)
- She, too, was Catholic (before she passed away from cancer in her early sixties). So she was used to saying and doing whateverâregardless of her words and actions negatively affecting othersâand then asking for forgiveness every Sunday at church, and to others, whenever she needed a clean slate to clear her conscience
- She, too, would habitually dominate conversations with everyone (an average and minimum of 3 hours or more); and again, apologize and ask for forgiveness afterwards. A few times, she talked until 3:00 am while sobbing in-between past stories; and even though I gently told her that I had to go to work in the morning, she would continue talking, until I was too tired I had to leave. At my dadâs funeral, sheâhis decade-long mistress turned 3rd wife/my step-momâkept me up past 2:00 am, though I told her a few times that I didnât get much sleep leading up to the funeral, and that we all had to be up early in the morning. When she still didnât listen, I turned my back on her and pulled the cover over my head, something I never imagined I could do since it seems rude (but it wasnât, it was self-preservation). She actually turned off the lights and left afterwards.
So the question is, why did this similar energy (vibrational frequency) resurface after 13 years?
I had forgiven her, though I typed the above to re-examine this energetic pattern.
Iâve also been checking myself daily throughout my life, since we must first be transparently honest with ourselves.
I pondered shadow work, especially the expanded version of The 7 Essene Mirrors, to see which one applies.
Rather than still judge this energetic signature, Iâve grown to be more curious about it (within others/self), and I would like to deeply understand even further it in order to fully embrace and integrate it.
Why would we humans want to say and do not so kind things to another while acting kind (being nice) on the outside?
Because we donât really respect and like them, but weâre pretending to perhaps?
Because weâre envious or jealous of another, hence, canât stand that person?
Because we believe in the old, outdated, and fear-based saying of keeping your enemies closer?
And why would we dominate conversations for 3 or more hours, and not care for others to express themselves as well?
Because weâre so lost within our own minds, with all the bombarding thoughts, beliefs, perceptions, perspectives, ideas, etc., that weâre oblivious to outer world happenings?
Because we felt mostly unheard throughout our childhood?
Because we feel safe when weâre able to control our outer environment, to include other people?
Iâve become increasingly better at being direct with people who weâre more comfortable with passive-aggressive communication style (due to their discomfort of being straightforward).
And this included asking them what they really wanted to say, asking for clarification, telling them what theyâre actually implying (that often shocks them), asking related questions, or even teaching them how to be honest with self/others.
Granted, there are times where I find it challenging to be direct with others, to include the recent situation with the elderly lady friend due to various factors.
So how can I resolve this? Perhaps attempt to have a heart to heart conversation whenever this occurs, regardless of her being older since BOUNDARIES ARE BOUNDARIES (though this has often ended with a denial response that includes awkward smiles and laughter).
The good news is, with this elderly lady, family friend, her partner (soon to be husband), my husbandâsoon to be harmonious partner/friend/family memberâand I have been getting better at unconditionally loving her, while also unconditionally loving ourselves as well (to include further developing and maintaining healthier boundaries).
Ever since Iâve known her, she has often wanted everyone around her to tailor to her needs, desires and wants 24/7 (whatâs known as a frequent âtakerâ in a relationship, and/or having narcissistic tendencies).
She habitually dominated conversations, to include during lunch or dinner gatherings for 3 hours straight at times, while not caring if her own partner hardly had a chance to speak.
She was also not concerned that we had to ask one of our servers to return to our table 5 times because we werenât ready to order (due to listening to her).
However, during our last few lunch or dinner gatherings, we cleverly found tiny gaps where we could decide to order without the server having to return to our table more than twice.
And we also became better at finding tiny gaps where my husband and I could ask her very quiet partner questions, so that he can join the conversations as well.
And sure enough, it turned out heâs a great conversationalist; he just needed a chance to speak.
I have no doubt that itâs time that she further takes others into consideration, and not just talk about it, since actions speak volumes.
Relationships are not meant to be mostly one-sided, but harmoniously reciprocal (though not about 50/50).
I shared within this blog before, that if we donât express ourselves much, letâs not be shocked or surprised, if we find ourselves around an excessively chatty person (people).
From an expanded perspective, itâs an opportunity for us to embrace and integrate some of the chatty energy, not to dominate communication, but to Be Balance & Harmony.
After all, Soul connections and conversations are meant to be an ebb and flow, like a Cosmic DanceâŠNOT mostly a one-way street.
One of the realizations I had while blogging for 13 years, was that I was habitually and mostly an active listener during conversations from childhood through adulthood; hence, when I started blogging, it was like a MEGA flood gate had opened, which is why the majority of my posts are very long (making up for all the times that I allowed others to express themselves, but not allowing myself to freely and fully express).
I also realized that I initially didnât really respect and admire both of these older womenâfor the reasons stated above (of them both habitually being selfish and even narcissistic)âbut felt obligated to be in a relationship with them.
For both, I did my best for years (to decades) to see their positive aspects, while making the same or new excuses for their ongoing, draining ways of being, saying and doing.
But with my step-momâwhich I volunteered to refer her as (since my dad married her after I became an adult)âI realized that she was very lonely while she was married to my adoptive dad (because he apparently had an affair even with her years later), and after he passed away.
So whenever she had an opportunity to talk to an active listener, she probably felt like she hit a mini jackpot, and couldnât stop herself.
A part of me wishes that I had this realization while she was still alive, but after 3 decades of being there for her with an abundance of full presence and active listening, I choose not to blame myself for not dedicating even more years, and feel guilty.
I had to have compassion for myself as well, since I was exhausted.
Plus, during that timeframe, I was also actively listening to many others as well, especially my Soldiers who often came to me with various topics to talk about (to include their childhood traumas and adulthood problems).
But with this elderly lady friend, Iâve witnessed some gradual improvements, so thatâs some sun rays piercing through the dark clouds.
I noticed that she would catch herself every now and then, and do her best to encourage the rest of us to join her conversation as well, which was thoughtful.
Iâve loved both of these ladies like Soul Familyâoften wishing them whateverâs best for themâbut Iâve also preferred only spending time with them in small doses; otherwise, anyone can easily become quickly and deeply drained by their excessively needy energy.
Whenever I would hear some spiritual teacher preach about always having compassion for others no matter what, I wanted to ask them if theyâve ever spent MANY HOURS with an excessively chatty person (or people) for DECADES.
Probably not, while spending most of their time in peaceful environments (like temples, churches, safe bubble spiritual tribes, etc.), and surrounded by many peaceful people (like priest, nuns, pastors, monks or other like-minded and like-hearted staff).
And I would love to invite them to this challenge, and see how long they last without becoming exhausted.
Even the Dalai Lama didnât have the patience to answer a tween girlâs question in a compassionate way, but was obviously annoyed by her question that she simply learned from her ignorant parents.
But no one talks about such moments, only his deeply compassionate side, which is biased and unrealistic.
But heâs also human, with natural human emotions, which mainstream media may not always catch the ânegativeâ aspects on camera.
Anyhoo, despite both of these elderly family friends being religious, they are two of a handful of the most loving Catholics Iâve met in over 4 decades, especially the elderly man, whose actions speaks volumes.
And this includes my step-mom, who was also deeply loving and very wise at times.
I understand that Catholics have had a bad reputation for a long timeâknown to be worse than other denominations of Christians when it comes to a lack of character, habitual hypocrisy, and a history of corruption.
But back in 2008, one of my Soldiersâalso a student at the 35M schoolhouseâshared during our conversation that he was a Catholic.
He was somewhat embarrassed about itâbut did his best to mask it with subtle humorâstating that heâs aware how Catholics are perceived by many within this world.
I reassured him not to be uncomfortable about it, because we donât need to be defined by such labels.
He was a well-rounded NCOâNon-Commissioned Officer (Sergeant/E-5)âwho was professional, authentic, honest, intelligent, genuinely kind, and much more.
So even though I was somewhat biased towards Catholics in generalâdue to personal, mostly unpleasant experiences with them (I had briefly explored Catholicism due to my step-momâs persistence)âI intuitively knew to always keep an open mind and heart about all people within humanity; and Iâm grateful that I chose this path.
Even Pope Francis (the current Pope) has grown on me over the years, due to being a much more open-minded and open-hearted Pope than any that Iâve been aware of throughout human history (not that Iâve been interested in studying any of them).
Iâve wrote about him at least four to five times so far, noting his positive qualities, to include a recent post about him having further opened his heart and throat chakras (see this post link further below, to include his record-breaking speech).
A while back, some woman shared that Pope Francis told his followers to not go around telling people theyâre Catholic, if theyâre not going to act like true Catholics, which made sense.
I even watched a movie about him, to get a sense for how he was and is; and though the movie may not be completely accurate, it was the closest option I had to see and feel (rather than read âcorrectlyâ written articles).
I trust he will bravely continue to be a major game changer within the Catholic Church, that he referred to as a woman, at the end of November 2023 (shared in recent post, âGreatest Truths Emerging đȘ·: The Catholic Church Knew About Mother Goddess đïžđ & Jesus Returning as a Woman, & The Pope Further Opened His đ & đŁïž Chakrasâ).
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Rare Heart-led Christians, Incomplete Religions and Bible & Old Blame Games
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